life of haleigh

Almost got the job, almost had feelings, almost lived in a city, almost graduated, almost there. It’s just the worst thing in the world.  That constant anticipation leading up to it, and the often underwhelming feeling that comes after.  Nothing hurts more than an almost.  Maybe it’s because I’m an all or nothing type of person. Black or white. I’ve never met in the middle ground. And I always wonder why it didn’t work out.  Some of the best advice I ever heard was:  If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.  Apply that to any scenario in your life and you have your answer. If they don’t want you like a hell yes, then it’s a hell no. If it’s not a hell yes to staying in your job, then it’s a hell no. You get it? There is no maybe, no almost there, no middle.  This is the way I plot decisions in my life. If someone isn’t giving me hell yes, they’re giving me hell no. & vice versa.  I wish everyone could skip the almost. You either want it or you...

The bad news, and the very very good news is that it won't be like this forever.  It turns out I probably won’t live all the lives I thought I would. I might never be the girl who wears eyeliner wandering the streets of New York City in the rain. Or the girl who lives in a little house filled with plants by the beach. I might not ever get to go backstage with the band, or fly on a private jet. I might not have gardens to walk through or a sky rise office to look out from. I don’t know. I might.   But I’m coming to terms with the fact that my life is just my own and there’s no amount of Pinterest pictures or Instagram stories that will make my pieces fit into something else.   It’s weird to let go of that. That when I was 11 I had no idea who I would be at 15. And then I thought I knew. And then I thought I knew again after that. And now I think I know at 21. And the truth is I never will know, not until my very last day, when I look back and realize what it all ...

I'm sure you all knew this was coming. I was raised in a family where giving up is not an option. Those weren’t words at our house. It made me stubborn, but it also made me successful. It’s why I pushed through years of ringette, years of mean high school kids, years of relationships. It’s why I didn’t drop out of school when I was in second year, it’s why I FaceTime with my teachers to bring my grades up. I push because I’m not a giver upper. Maybe to a fault? Sometimes I don’t know when to give up. Arguing a point, never being able to accept defeat, never being able to hear “no” as an option.   In fact, I’m the best at not giving up. I took PE all through high school and only one time in my life did I ever hit the softball (a foul ball at that) and that was all I needed to call it a win.   But where is the line?? Giving up and surrender. What’s the difference?   I still don’t think I know. But I think the first thing I ever gave up on was love. ...

Correction *they laughed. Are we getting too close on this blog? Am I getting too comfortable? Maybe. But I’m gonna talk about getting embarrassed.  Can anyone guess what song I was singing? It’s a banger!!!! But the moment I looked over into the Kia Soul beside me and saw a my-aged boy laughing at me, I felt my soul leave my body.  Cheeks: red  Fight or flight: activated  Music: paused  Ready to: die  And the light turned green, he went down a different road, and that was the end of it. That was literally the end of it.  And here’s where I had my breakthrough (early in the story! I know!)  Being embarrassed is stupid you guys. It’s literally the stupidest thing. I have lived in this city (a massive one at that) a whole 4 weeks. And I’m really about to be embarrassed by some guy sitting next to me in traffic that I’ll never see again? Yeah right.  Think about a time you saw someone do something stupid. Like their foot catches the sidewalk and...

The one where Haleigh meets Haleigh. Looking back on my nineteen post, I see a sprout of the Haleigh I spent this year becoming. And now I’m here, and I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Life in a year. fall: heartbreaker Twenty was the first year in a long time I spent all by myself. I believe it was in this alone time that I was able and open to meet new people. And did I ever meet new people. I must have fallen in love like forty times a day. With people, and life, and friends, and my journey. It’s crazy how much love I felt this time around. This fall was scary because I was falling out of love at the same time I was falling in. This was my mistake. I broke a heart or two or three. But if I’m being honest, one of those was my own, too. I thought I was ready to share myself with someone else and I wasn’t. And I felt like a liar. So I cut it all off. Pulled all the strings back and snipped. I needed to fill my bucket before I could share any more. That’s not to say I didn’t accide...

“Every time you are vulnerable about something, it normalizes it for someone else.” So let’s get really, really vulnerable for a few minutes. A few days ago, someone I look up to told me I didn’t have a purpose in life. Actually, the exact sentence was “you need to start waking up with a purpose in life.” Huh?? I mean, on the surface I guess that’s supposed to sound...encouraging. But no. Because it was a person I look up to and value, that sentence made me so angry at first. And then beyond devastated. A purpose in life? What are you talking about?? Looking at my life on paper, I haven’t had a job for 5 months. I haven’t hung out with a lot of new people. I don’t go to the gym. I don’t have a lot of money saved. From that perspective, I guess my life doesn’t really have a purpose. Or “value.” But for those of you who have followed my journey-whether by my blog or just knowing me-through my mental health and well-being, along with some (fairly large and traumatic) life events, you woul...

If you guys know me, you know that I’m exactly the opposite of a risk-taker. I am a safety first, planned schedule, organized life ADVOCATE. In every sense, I live my life in an extremely safe way. My dad used to say “do one thing a day that scares you.” For me that would mean, like, a spontaneous trip to the grocery store or making cookies at 9 at night. For me, that was big stuff. I don’t love to talk down on myself because I’m doing the best I can, but if there was one thing I would’ve changed about myself these last years, it would have been to allow myself to go with the flow. Just go with it. Tattoos When I was 18 I got my first tattoo. It reads, “so it goes”. It was the beginning of my bid to learn how to go with the changed in life, and adapt instead of run away. And tattoos as a whole were kind of a big deal for me because it was the first thing I did that was “spontaneous” as some might say. Anyways, I see it every day now and I aaaalways take a second to remi...

I always knew I needed to get out of my hometown. It’s not that I didn’t love it, or the people, but I was outgrowing it. And I could feel the box getting tighter as I got bigger.  So when I was seventeen, I left. I moved to a city eight times it’s size, lived with 3 strangers (my now best friends) and changed my entire life. It was amazing.  But now it’s worn off.  And suddenly...I feel claustrophobic in the space. Is it possible I outgrew this place too? I mean, I could go bigger: Vancouver, Toronto, New York maybe? But would I outgrow that too?  As I started to feel the new wearing off, I immediately looked for a new place to go. Now I’m here, in this new place, and it still doesn’t feel right. I feel in the way of other people’s lives, and more importantly, not on the path of my own.  I do this. I bounce around, from place to place, person to person, hobby to hobby, and after a period of time, I get this overwhelming urge to change things. And so I leave peo...

People who know me may say otherwise, but lately (as in the last year or so) I’ve been really good at coping. My new thing is, it is what it is. Honestly, terrible things happen (when you end up in the hospital with a blood clot in your lung, only to lose two jobs in the span of 1 month and then get a weeks notice to move your entire life back to a town you don’t like and on the way your car engine blows up), trust me, I know. But lately, I’ve just been letting it roll off my back. It’s not mine to carry.  Can you do something about it? If the answer is yes, then you’re going to be okay. If the answer is no, then you’re going to be okay. This is what I mean, things happen. Anyways. With all this quarantine, I’ve had a lot, I mean we’ve all had a lot of time to think and reflect on things. I realized I miss the hell out of my friends. I miss getting dressed for a normal day. I miss sleeping on a regular schedule. But I realized one thing and I haven’t really felt ri...

nothing gold can stay nature's first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold. her early leaf's a flower; but only so an hour. then leaf subsides to leaf. so Eden sank to grief, so dawn goes down to day. nothing gold can stay Do you think it's possible that Robert Frost wrote this specifically for me at age 20? If any of you ever read The Outsiders in high school, then you would obviously remember the famous line, "stay gold, Ponyboy." I won't spoil the context for you, but if you need something to read I highly recommend. Anyways, they were of course, referencing 'Nothing Gold Can Stay.' It was Johnny's way of telling Ponyboy to stay young, innocent, gold. Okay, with the 11th grade English lesson over with, let me tell you why I really wanted to talk about this.  I've written a lot about letting go. Letting go of people that hurt you, things that felt heavy, grudges, and bad days. But for some reason, this one po...