My dad died on Valentine’s Day from a cancer in his brain that he fought for a year and a half. I’ll talk about that more one day, but what I want to say now comes from the buildup and the fallout. What I want to say is not about the suffering and turmoil that I watched my dad and my family experience for that year and a half, or the milestones we hit every day that I never mentioned, like the last day he had ice cream or went outside. I want to talk about him and I will. But today, I want to talk about the aftermath. People don’t know what to say about death and dying. They tell you they’re sorry and they could never do what you’re doing, they tell you how strong you are and graceful you’re being, admire how you’re “back to work” or “still able to have fun”. Grievers are told time and time again, nobody knows what the right thing to say is. And we have grace. Giggle it off and nod our heads, tell them thank you and it’s okay. Because it is okay. They aren’t doing anything wrong t...
“Every time you are vulnerable about something, it normalizes it for someone else.”
So let’s get really, really vulnerable for a few minutes.
A few days ago, someone I look up to told me I didn’t have a purpose in life. Actually, the exact sentence was “you need to start waking up with a purpose in life.” Huh??
I mean, on the surface I guess that’s supposed to sound...encouraging. But no.
Because it was a person I look up to and value, that sentence made me so angry at first. And then beyond devastated. A purpose in life? What are you talking about??
Looking at my life on paper, I haven’t had a job for 5 months. I haven’t hung out with a lot of new people. I don’t go to the gym. I don’t have a lot of money saved. From that perspective, I guess my life doesn’t really have a purpose. Or “value.”
But for those of you who have followed my journey-whether by my blog or just knowing me-through my mental health and well-being, along with some (fairly large and traumatic) life events, you would know I’ve been coming a long way since the person I used to be.
I don’t feel like I need to prove my progress, but for the sake of being vulnerable, I will.
After my car accident I was sleeping an average of 1 hour and 20 minutes each night because of nightmares and anxiety. I worked on resolving this through therapy and counselling and I did. After almost two years I can finally sleep a whole night most nights, and I still get excited about it.
In August I went through a breakup after five years. A lot happened that I won’t discuss for privacy’s sake, but I had to overcome a lot of trust issues and things of that nature I had developed in that time. And now I feel more full of love and life than ever. And I’m grateful to have been able to stay on good terms.
I became a straight A student (my one B in finance can shush). I was a C average before and now my GPA is 3.75 out of 4 and I am so damn proud.
I got two very glowing letters of recommendation from jobs I was extremely successful at. I showed myself that I can work in any environment I put my mind to, whether that’s making plywood, crunching numbers, running projects, or folding clothes.
I overcame the hardest year of my life. Anxiety, hospital-filled days that I did ALONE; might I add. From a blood clot to severe lung infection, that was a very scary period of my life. I let go of people who hurt me and found strength to apologize to those I hurt. I re-evaluated my pride and what it meant to be a friend. Because I wasn’t a good one for a long time. I can admit that now.
Anyways, when I got to thinking what my life purpose really was, I felt defeated by how it looked on paper. After all, this was the first time since I was 15 that I haven’t had a job or a boyfriend to do stuff with. The first time I moved away during the summer.
But I realized that this is also the first time I’ve been sleeping good, being a good student, living a spontaneous lifestyle, I’m healthier (and more careful) than I’ve ever been, I’m a better friend, and most of all...
I am so proud of who I have become. I’m not done yet but I’m so grateful for who and where I am, and how far I’ve come. I mean that in every way. I can finally lay down at night and know that I am happy, fulfilled (and might I add overflowing) with love and kindness and a new respect for my life.
That is all the purpose I need.
I recognize the importance of having a job. I recognize the value of everything I own, and the money needed to live the life I want. I also recognize the importance of a healthy lifestyle and good habits. It’s all things I’m working towards. But productivity no longer determines my life purpose because I am happy, for the first time in a. very. long. time.
Don’t let people tell you that what you’re doing isn’t enough. If you prefer painting over hiking that’s your damn choice!
Maybe I didn’t need to tell any of you this, but if there’s one person who this can reach who might feel like they are grasping for unreachable standards, I will feel like it was worth it.
You’re not worth less because you had to retake that class, or grad a year behind. Your value isn’t defined by your daily calorie count or landing a certain job. Your purpose in life isn’t what John next door or Sally from work’s purpose is. It is your own to define.
By all means: BE PROUD of who you are and how far you’ve come. YOU and ONLY you define your purpose and your worth. And that definition is allowed to change over time.
Read that twice.
And the next time you look at someone and think “yikes, what are they even doing with their life?” Or the ever-so-passive, “look what _______ is doing!! Why aren’t you doing that?” I want you to recognize that what you see is hardly even a fraction of what lies beneath. If you really cared, you would reach out and say “you’ve been acting different are you doing okay?” Or “you could try...” and list a, b, c. And just be kind. For crying out loud.
Some days, your purpose is just to find your new favourite song, or have a really cozy nap, or look out at the sunset. Other days it’s gonna be solving world problems and saving lives. It’s okay. I promise you it’s okay and I’ve got your back.
I joked a lot, since that person told me I needed a life purpose, about what it would be that day. Maybe chores, or a walk, or whatever else. But it hurt my feelings a lot more than it should have and I just want anyone else who’s been told or feels that way that I’ve been there and it sucks, but it’s not your burden to carry. And it’s nobody else’s decision to define.
I love you so much and you are important no matter how you feel.
Xoxo Haleigh
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