My dad died on Valentine’s Day from a cancer in his brain that he fought for a year and a half. I’ll talk about that more one day, but what I want to say now comes from the buildup and the fallout. What I want to say is not about the suffering and turmoil that I watched my dad and my family experience for that year and a half, or the milestones we hit every day that I never mentioned, like the last day he had ice cream or went outside. I want to talk about him and I will. But today, I want to talk about the aftermath. People don’t know what to say about death and dying. They tell you they’re sorry and they could never do what you’re doing, they tell you how strong you are and graceful you’re being, admire how you’re “back to work” or “still able to have fun”. Grievers are told time and time again, nobody knows what the right thing to say is. And we have grace. Giggle it off and nod our heads, tell them thank you and it’s okay. Because it is okay. They aren’t doing anything wrong t...
Almost got the job, almost had feelings, almost lived in a city, almost graduated, almost there. It’s just the worst thing in the world.
That constant anticipation leading up to it, and the often underwhelming feeling that comes after.
Nothing hurts more than an almost.
Maybe it’s because I’m an all or nothing type of person. Black or white. I’ve never met in the middle ground. And I always wonder why it didn’t work out.
Some of the best advice I ever heard was:
If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.
Apply that to any scenario in your life and you have your answer. If they don’t want you like a hell yes, then it’s a hell no. If it’s not a hell yes to staying in your job, then it’s a hell no. You get it? There is no maybe, no almost there, no middle.
This is the way I plot decisions in my life. If someone isn’t giving me hell yes, they’re giving me hell no. & vice versa.
I wish everyone could skip the almost. You either want it or you don’t. You keep it or you lose it. You succeed or you fail. I wish there was no middle ground, where you sit and wait and wonder what it would be like on either side.
And what’s worse than an almost? The gut feeling of the outcome.
When you just know it’s almost there.
Like you know that “talk after work.” And it’s almost over.
You know when the class starts to rustle their coats, it’s almost over.
When you apply to graduate, it’s almost over.
When they’re distant for days, it’s almost over.
When I’m sad like this, I almost call.
Those almost urges too. The wanting to but the not wanting to. The typing and deleting, waiting for the phone to ring, eyes on the door, almost moments.
Taylor swift said it best hunny:
And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
Almost usually leads to an ending of some kind. And I wish nothing good had to end.
But: what if we stop looking at things like a moment to be lived in the future. What if right now is just the future?
What if we start to believe that it’s selfish to worry about something further in time- in a place we aren’t ever guaranteed to go? What if we stop thinking about almost and start thinking about right now.
Almost in love? Happy in like.
Almost got the job? Happy with free time.
Almost time to leave? Happy with five more minutes.
Almost called? Better in silence.
It’s just that almost is a scary, stupid, nonexistent place, and I don’t think we ever have to exist there if we don’t want to. We could just exist now, until now becomes the future, and we basically close our eyes for the almost. And we could just be happy while it lasts.
Every once is a while, an almost comes around, and it’s feels good to have hope about the outcome. Almost time to see them. Almost done for the week. Almost time to go. I dunno. Sometimes I just have to look at things backwards until they don’t feel so sucky anymore.
And maybe sometimes, later in life, we can look back at the almost’s we had and say thank god it didn’t go the way we thought it was going to. And maybe there’s power in wanting something and not getting it too.
And if you see me scream-singing to Taylor Swift in my car, mind your business.
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