My dad died on Valentine’s Day from a cancer in his brain that he fought for a year and a half. I’ll talk about that more one day, but what I want to say now comes from the buildup and the fallout. What I want to say is not about the suffering and turmoil that I watched my dad and my family experience for that year and a half, or the milestones we hit every day that I never mentioned, like the last day he had ice cream or went outside. I want to talk about him and I will. But today, I want to talk about the aftermath. People don’t know what to say about death and dying. They tell you they’re sorry and they could never do what you’re doing, they tell you how strong you are and graceful you’re being, admire how you’re “back to work” or “still able to have fun”. Grievers are told time and time again, nobody knows what the right thing to say is. And we have grace. Giggle it off and nod our heads, tell them thank you and it’s okay. Because it is okay. They aren’t doing anything wrong t...
The bad news, and the very very good news is that it won't be like this forever.
It turns out I probably won’t live all the lives I thought I would. I might never be the girl who wears eyeliner wandering the streets of New York City in the rain. Or the girl who lives in a little house filled with plants by the beach. I might not ever get to go backstage with the band, or fly on a private jet. I might not have gardens to walk through or a sky rise office to look out from. I don’t know.
I
might.
But
I’m coming to terms with the fact that my life is just my own and there’s no
amount of Pinterest pictures or Instagram stories that will make my pieces fit
into something else.
It’s
weird to let go of that. That when I was 11 I had no idea who I would be at 15.
And then I thought I knew. And then I thought I knew again after that. And now
I think I know at 21. And the truth is I never will know, not until my very
last day, when I look back and realize what it all was.
It
turns out I probably won’t be who I thought I’d be. I might not end up with who
I thought I was going to.
There’s
all these lives laid out ahead of me. And I have all the tools, all of the
things I need to go on any path I choose.
Maybe
there will be this whole other thing like that pandemic that comes along and
messes it all up too. That’s the thing.
The thing. Learning to let go. Learning to go with the flow. Learning to jump even when it feels scary to jump. To fall in love and fall out of it. To have great adventures and small ones too. Enjoy the little things in life. Relive the past or forget it forever. Forgive people. Give up and surrender. Find your life purpose. Don’t be embarrassed. Get tattoos. Fight for justice. Cope with the things that hurt you. Love people, all the people you meet.
The
thing to me is not some grand realization at the end of the year. It’s the
summation of all these little things, built on even littler things, that make
up who I am.
This
year wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. In any way. But isn’t that the
beauty?? That next year there might not even be a pandemic and even still it
won’t be what we think it will.
All
that I know for certain is all of the lives I wasn’t supposed to live. I wasn’t
supposed to be stopped at some dead end job. I was supposed to get my heart
broken-by lovers and friends. I wasn’t supposed to have a little red car. All
of those lives are gone now and here I am, making choice after choice and
letting all my wasn’t-supposed-to’s fall into place behind me.
As
for resolutions, last year I said
“I hope you learned to love yourself inside & out. In every sense of the phrase. I hope you understand that the things you don’t like about yourself are the same things that make you interesting. I hope you learned that people are mostly nice, and if you found that they weren’t, I hope you learned to walk away.
I hope you found love. At least a little bit of it. I hope it didn’t make you wonder if it was real or not. I hope you’re okay if it didn’t work out.
I hope you made amends with the people who didn’t know they hurt your feelings. And also the ones who did. I hope you learned how to forgive even if there was no apology.
I hope you can trust people.
I hope you ate yummy food. And strived to be healthier.
I
hope you were happy.”
Well,
past haleigh, let it be known that I did all of the above. I checked every
single box. I think I would make you proud, if you could see me now.
Now
I’m crying lol. I just can’t believe that I did all of that.
To
the Haleigh who reads this after Christmas 2021, I hope a few things for you.
I
hope you become the greatest auntie to that little baby on the way.
I
hope you trust the plan, or lack of one.
I
hope you tell your best friends you love them more often.
Oh
my god, I nearly forgot you’d be a university graduate by the time you read
this. Go us!! I hope you find a job doing what you love.
I
hope you travelled, if you could.
And
I hope you never stop looking for things to write about.
Okay
well, this year I’m thankful for the craziness, and also the coziness of home.
I’m thankful for my family (who is growing by at least one soon!) and I’m
thankful to myself because this year wasn’t easy at all but I did it.
And
apparently I did all the things I told myself to do. So here’s to hoping for
next year.
Happy
New Years
xoxo Haleigh
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