who knew 22 would be the year?

December 31st, 2021: 10:15pm

I convinced my parents I’d be okay to spend New Years alone. I would be okay. After all, I like being alone. It’s not that I didn’t wish I was invited to be with my friends, I just got used to not being there. And I was happy to hear the fireworks outside from my bedroom window.

I’m old enough now. I don’t need to be bothered by people who don’t love me.

There isn’t a version of me before this who could have said that and meant it.

This year, there isn’t even a background noise of my old hurt, and I sleep soundly.

January 1st, 2022: 8:00am

I take my very first antidepressant. I feel nothing (obviously). I decide to take the month off of drinking to see if it works.

It does.

Two weeks after my first dose I wake up before my alarm and smile. I still have so much time before I have to go to work.

I begin to sleep full nights. My dad tells me he finally sees the Haleigh he always knew I could be. I see her, too.

April 29th, 2022: 3:00pm

A doctor in Vancouver covers my body with hot blankets after connecting my arm to a machine that measures the salt in my sweat. She is making sure my lungs are working normally. The other doctors from home aren’t sure.

I worry a little but not a whole lot, because I’m leaving to Europe in 48 short hours. The appointment lasts forever (forever is one hour).

I go back to the hotel to have a nap. I will get my results in Greece.

May 1st, 2022: 4:00pm

We take off. We get some champagne, watch a good show, and try to sleep so the time change makes sense for when we get to Paris.

Paris is everything I imagined it would be. My inner child heals a lot. It smells good, everything tastes good, I can’t look at anything for too long because I might cry.

Olivia makes me feel really loved. That heals my inner child a lot too.

I forget about everything else in the world and enjoy this trip I’ve worked to go on for my whole life.

May 18th, 2022: 12:15am (Greece Time)

Mom had a phone call with my doctor. Looks like my lungs will live to see another day. Me and Olivia cry.

June 7th, 2022: 10:00am

Happy/sad feelings about being home. Pieces of me are scattered all over the place. It would be an impossible task to find them all.

I begin to worry about the future more than I ever have. All I ever wanted to do was travel Europe and I did that. Now what? I look at jobs online but everything seems out of reach. I could never move to Vancouver. I can’t afford anything. I have a payment due on my credit card.

I sleep for a whole day.

I don’t have to figure anything out just yet.

July 14th, 2022: 12:00pm

I interview for my dream company.

I get a job offer.

I think about it for just three hours. I call my mom and my dad. I accept it. I start to feel like the life I manifested is coming together.

It falls apart when I think about being able to afford it all. I never thought about moving to Vancouver. They want me there in three weeks. How could I ever pull that off? I’m working two jobs, I have a vacation planned. I don’t have a place to live. I still need to pay off my credit card. And my phone. And my car. I talk myself out of it.

I draft an email apologizing for not being able to follow through with the job.

I sleep on it.

I decide I have no choice but to take the job. I’m so scared. I have no idea how I’m going to do it. I borrow more money from mom and dad. I find a place, a roommate, and finish all the paperwork. Everyone I know is happy for me and is amazed how I’m pulling it together.

I’m even amazed at how I’m pulling it all together.

August 19th, 2022: 8:00am sharp

I throw my favourite pair of shoes into the front seat because I almost forget them. I close the doors tight. I hug my mom goodbye.

I will be living out of my car for two weeks, at a family friends house. It’s going to be really hard to keep my work clothes from getting wrinkled in the garbage bag I packed them in.

I do it. I somehow managed to do it.

August 29th, 2022: 5:15pm

I get the keys to the new apartment. It’s on the thirty-second floor.

I get unpacking. I’ve been living on survival mode since I accepted the offer but right now I’m here. And this is my place with my view and I’m a ten minute walk to my dream job in a dreamy city and finally the picture comes together.

I lay down on the blow up mattress I’ll be sleeping on for a while.

September 15th, 2022: all day

I wake up thinking about who I’m going to be this year. I’ve never felt so sure in my life about what I want. I want a career, not just a job. I want a friend group, not just pals. I want love, not just lust. I want happiness the lifestyle, not just the feeling.

I have a big girl bed. A big girl dresser. I change my own lightbulbs and unclog my own sink. I light the candle I’ve been saving until I was right here now in this moment.

23! So weird. I feel so confused about where I should be at in life but I’m not scared about it all anymore. I’m doing everything right. I’m doing everything I know how to do.

This year I’m going to be the girl of my dreams. Pretty, friendly, stylish, loveable, assertive, full of gratitude and grace, and a good friend.