My dad died on Valentine’s Day from a cancer in his brain that he fought for a year and a half. I’ll talk about that more one day, but what I want to say now comes from the buildup and the fallout. What I want to say is not about the suffering and turmoil that I watched my dad and my family experience for that year and a half, or the milestones we hit every day that I never mentioned, like the last day he had ice cream or went outside. I want to talk about him and I will. But today, I want to talk about the aftermath. People don’t know what to say about death and dying. They tell you they’re sorry and they could never do what you’re doing, they tell you how strong you are and graceful you’re being, admire how you’re “back to work” or “still able to have fun”. Grievers are told time and time again, nobody knows what the right thing to say is. And we have grace. Giggle it off and nod our heads, tell them thank you and it’s okay. Because it is okay. They aren’t doing anything wrong t...
Hey friends, I am happy to be the first guest on Haleigh’s blog – I can’t top her btw.
I want to talk about insecurities – the epitome to my human existence.
When you look up insecurities the definition is “uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; the lack of confidence.”
Similar: lack of confidence, lack of self-confidence, self-conscious, uncertain, timid, shy, self-doubt, diffidence, antsy, edgy, troubled, nervous, uneasy, upset, uptight, and worried.
I would not want those words to be the first thing someone considers when they think of me, yet the lack of security in myself and my ideas, lingers.
I remember the day that my ‘insecurities’ became apparent. It was bus ride home from school in 6th grade when a boy commented on the way I looked.
I let his words define me for a large portion of my teenage years.
The pre-existing idea of how I should look and act, followed me everywhere.
As I got older, I thought there must be other ways to describe me.
Instead of letting google, and the boy on the bus decide how I see myself, I decided to ask my friends to come up with words to describe me.
Shockingly, and quickly they flooded me with these words; genuine, reliable, hilarious, beautiful, independent, selfless, honest, BRUTALLY honest, “my queen”, slim thicc baddie, infectiously funny, strong, undeniably yourself, family, original, easy to love, perceptive, home, observant, brave, and even a rap sensation (jay was high when I asked her).
I am not a psychopath. Of course, I cried receiving this flow of love.
“You’re so easy to love – if that isn’t the truest thing about Shelby.”
I always knew my friends seen me in some other light, must be some pretty good lighting.
I just never could imagine that this is how they perceived ME. The antsy, worried, ball of self-doubt that I thought I was.
Loving who you are doesn’t come easily, or fast. Over the last couple of years, I have woken up every morning with a little more self-reassuring-love.
And if I can preach anything, I will preach that looking in the mirror is not always a simple task. If you open your mind to possibility that you are not all that bad, good things will flood in. Fuck the boy on the bus. And fuck google.
Tomorrow, when I look in the mirror to see my own beady blue eyes staring back at me, I will consider myself as; genuine, reliable, hilarious, beautiful, independent, selfless, honest, BRUTALLY honest, a queen, slim thicc baddie, infectiously funny, strong, undeniably yourself, family, original, easy to love, perceptive, home, observant, brave, and even a rap sensation.
And next time I find myself feeling insecure, I will remember that it doesn’t define me.
P.S. I love my friends so much.
I want to talk about insecurities – the epitome to my human existence.
When you look up insecurities the definition is “uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; the lack of confidence.”
Similar: lack of confidence, lack of self-confidence, self-conscious, uncertain, timid, shy, self-doubt, diffidence, antsy, edgy, troubled, nervous, uneasy, upset, uptight, and worried.
I would not want those words to be the first thing someone considers when they think of me, yet the lack of security in myself and my ideas, lingers.
I remember the day that my ‘insecurities’ became apparent. It was bus ride home from school in 6th grade when a boy commented on the way I looked.
I let his words define me for a large portion of my teenage years.
The pre-existing idea of how I should look and act, followed me everywhere.
As I got older, I thought there must be other ways to describe me.
Instead of letting google, and the boy on the bus decide how I see myself, I decided to ask my friends to come up with words to describe me.
Shockingly, and quickly they flooded me with these words; genuine, reliable, hilarious, beautiful, independent, selfless, honest, BRUTALLY honest, “my queen”, slim thicc baddie, infectiously funny, strong, undeniably yourself, family, original, easy to love, perceptive, home, observant, brave, and even a rap sensation (jay was high when I asked her).
I am not a psychopath. Of course, I cried receiving this flow of love.
“You’re so easy to love – if that isn’t the truest thing about Shelby.”
I always knew my friends seen me in some other light, must be some pretty good lighting.
I just never could imagine that this is how they perceived ME. The antsy, worried, ball of self-doubt that I thought I was.
Loving who you are doesn’t come easily, or fast. Over the last couple of years, I have woken up every morning with a little more self-reassuring-love.
And if I can preach anything, I will preach that looking in the mirror is not always a simple task. If you open your mind to possibility that you are not all that bad, good things will flood in. Fuck the boy on the bus. And fuck google.
Tomorrow, when I look in the mirror to see my own beady blue eyes staring back at me, I will consider myself as; genuine, reliable, hilarious, beautiful, independent, selfless, honest, BRUTALLY honest, a queen, slim thicc baddie, infectiously funny, strong, undeniably yourself, family, original, easy to love, perceptive, home, observant, brave, and even a rap sensation.
And next time I find myself feeling insecure, I will remember that it doesn’t define me.
P.S. I love my friends so much.
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