On the day I found out my dad had a year to live, I was standing at work, typing away stupidly about something I can’t remember now. And in an instant, I was catapulted into a terrible grief I knew nothing about. Like a dark room I’d never entered, feeling my way around. Gemma called my boss, my colleagues, and my best friends. Ordering one to give me time off, to get coffee, and to buy moving boxes. In the apartment, I couldn’t even remember my own name. Gemma found my passport, called my sister and arranged a pick up, and booked my flight for the next morning. Early but not too early, because she said I needed sleep. How do I even begin to pack right now? Gemma told everyone what to do. She put on my favourite songs, Taylor Swift, whom she didn’t particularly care for, and made the executive decision to toss my near-empty shampoo bottles. We walked through a handful of outfits I’d need - certainly comfy ones - as Gemma proposed. And when I’d come back to collect my t...
Hey friends, I am happy to be the first guest on Haleigh’s blog – I can’t top her btw.
I want to talk about insecurities – the epitome to my human existence.
When you look up insecurities the definition is “uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; the lack of confidence.”
Similar: lack of confidence, lack of self-confidence, self-conscious, uncertain, timid, shy, self-doubt, diffidence, antsy, edgy, troubled, nervous, uneasy, upset, uptight, and worried.
I would not want those words to be the first thing someone considers when they think of me, yet the lack of security in myself and my ideas, lingers.
I remember the day that my ‘insecurities’ became apparent. It was bus ride home from school in 6th grade when a boy commented on the way I looked.
I let his words define me for a large portion of my teenage years.
The pre-existing idea of how I should look and act, followed me everywhere.
As I got older, I thought there must be other ways to describe me.
Instead of letting google, and the boy on the bus decide how I see myself, I decided to ask my friends to come up with words to describe me.
Shockingly, and quickly they flooded me with these words; genuine, reliable, hilarious, beautiful, independent, selfless, honest, BRUTALLY honest, “my queen”, slim thicc baddie, infectiously funny, strong, undeniably yourself, family, original, easy to love, perceptive, home, observant, brave, and even a rap sensation (jay was high when I asked her).
I am not a psychopath. Of course, I cried receiving this flow of love.
“You’re so easy to love – if that isn’t the truest thing about Shelby.”
I always knew my friends seen me in some other light, must be some pretty good lighting.
I just never could imagine that this is how they perceived ME. The antsy, worried, ball of self-doubt that I thought I was.
Loving who you are doesn’t come easily, or fast. Over the last couple of years, I have woken up every morning with a little more self-reassuring-love.
And if I can preach anything, I will preach that looking in the mirror is not always a simple task. If you open your mind to possibility that you are not all that bad, good things will flood in. Fuck the boy on the bus. And fuck google.
Tomorrow, when I look in the mirror to see my own beady blue eyes staring back at me, I will consider myself as; genuine, reliable, hilarious, beautiful, independent, selfless, honest, BRUTALLY honest, a queen, slim thicc baddie, infectiously funny, strong, undeniably yourself, family, original, easy to love, perceptive, home, observant, brave, and even a rap sensation.
And next time I find myself feeling insecure, I will remember that it doesn’t define me.
P.S. I love my friends so much.
I want to talk about insecurities – the epitome to my human existence.
When you look up insecurities the definition is “uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; the lack of confidence.”
Similar: lack of confidence, lack of self-confidence, self-conscious, uncertain, timid, shy, self-doubt, diffidence, antsy, edgy, troubled, nervous, uneasy, upset, uptight, and worried.
I would not want those words to be the first thing someone considers when they think of me, yet the lack of security in myself and my ideas, lingers.
I remember the day that my ‘insecurities’ became apparent. It was bus ride home from school in 6th grade when a boy commented on the way I looked.
I let his words define me for a large portion of my teenage years.
The pre-existing idea of how I should look and act, followed me everywhere.
As I got older, I thought there must be other ways to describe me.
Instead of letting google, and the boy on the bus decide how I see myself, I decided to ask my friends to come up with words to describe me.
Shockingly, and quickly they flooded me with these words; genuine, reliable, hilarious, beautiful, independent, selfless, honest, BRUTALLY honest, “my queen”, slim thicc baddie, infectiously funny, strong, undeniably yourself, family, original, easy to love, perceptive, home, observant, brave, and even a rap sensation (jay was high when I asked her).
I am not a psychopath. Of course, I cried receiving this flow of love.
“You’re so easy to love – if that isn’t the truest thing about Shelby.”
I always knew my friends seen me in some other light, must be some pretty good lighting.
I just never could imagine that this is how they perceived ME. The antsy, worried, ball of self-doubt that I thought I was.
Loving who you are doesn’t come easily, or fast. Over the last couple of years, I have woken up every morning with a little more self-reassuring-love.
And if I can preach anything, I will preach that looking in the mirror is not always a simple task. If you open your mind to possibility that you are not all that bad, good things will flood in. Fuck the boy on the bus. And fuck google.
Tomorrow, when I look in the mirror to see my own beady blue eyes staring back at me, I will consider myself as; genuine, reliable, hilarious, beautiful, independent, selfless, honest, BRUTALLY honest, a queen, slim thicc baddie, infectiously funny, strong, undeniably yourself, family, original, easy to love, perceptive, home, observant, brave, and even a rap sensation.
And next time I find myself feeling insecure, I will remember that it doesn’t define me.
P.S. I love my friends so much.
Comments
Post a Comment