My dad died on Valentine’s Day from a cancer in his brain that he fought for a year and a half. I’ll talk about that more one day, but what I want to say now comes from the buildup and the fallout. What I want to say is not about the suffering and turmoil that I watched my dad and my family experience for that year and a half, or the milestones we hit every day that I never mentioned, like the last day he had ice cream or went outside. I want to talk about him and I will. But today, I want to talk about the aftermath. People don’t know what to say about death and dying. They tell you they’re sorry and they could never do what you’re doing, they tell you how strong you are and graceful you’re being, admire how you’re “back to work” or “still able to have fun”. Grievers are told time and time again, nobody knows what the right thing to say is. And we have grace. Giggle it off and nod our heads, tell them thank you and it’s okay. Because it is okay. They aren’t doing anything wrong t...
At midnight on New Years of 2018 I told myself that 2019 was going to be different. I wasn’t sure if it was going to be better, I just had to make some changes, and at the time I wasn’t sure what that meant for me.
It’s been hard to write this honestly, because it messes up a lot of old feelings I spent a long time trying to sort out. 2019 was a huge year.
January 14
I started my blog.
February 28
Learned how to change a car battery.
March 17
Became a fashion icon.
April 3
Chased some rainbows.
May 4
Danced with tears in my eyes.
May 19
Gave 30 tattoos.
June 1
Dyed my hair bleach. mf. blonde.
June 26
First professional work trip.
July 23
First day with no anxiety since October 4, 2018.
August 5
Good music. New best friends.
August 10
Ice cream & massive life decisions.
August 24
First taste of freedom.
September 7
Enjoying the company of my best friends. Just really, deeply enjoying it.
September 16
19.
September 25
Broke my finger at homesense.
October 24
Newest best friend for life.
October 31
The costume that offended too many people. Lol.
November 15
More good music. More good friends. And a good vlog to top.
December 10
I did it.
Looking back on this year makes me cry for some reason.
I am so goddamn proud of myself. I started living for me and look what happened? My entire life took a 180.
I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to be gentler with the people I met. I wanted to practice patience. I wanted to go with the flow. I wanted to meet new people. I wanted to be more understanding. I did it.
I’m sorry to swear here, but I fucking did that.
And 2020 is gonna be more. than. beautiful.
To the Haleigh who reads this after Christmas in December 2020, I have a few things I hope you accomplished.
I hope you learned to love yourself inside & out. In every sense of the phrase. I hope you understand that the things you don’t like about yourself are the same things that make you interesting. I hope you learned that people are mostly nice, and if you found that they weren’t, I hope you learned to walk away.
I hope you found love. At least a little bit of it. I hope it didn’t make you wonder if it was real or not. I hope you’re okay if it didn’t work out.
I hope you made amends with the people who didn’t know they hurt your feelings. And also the ones who did. I hope you learned how to forgive even if there was no apology.
I hope you can trust people.
I hope you ate yummy food. And strived to be healthier.
I hope you were happy.
This year I’m thankful for lovers, and family, and heartbreaks, and endings, and beginnings, and music, and dresses, and shopping, and crying, and dancing, and girls nights, and every other thing in between. From the bottom of my heart.
2019, you changed my life. Or maybe I changed it myself. Either way, I don’t have time now to wonder why or how all of this had to happen.
For now, I’ll focus on where I’m headed.
It’s been hard to write this honestly, because it messes up a lot of old feelings I spent a long time trying to sort out. 2019 was a huge year.
January 14
I started my blog.
February 28
Learned how to change a car battery.
March 17
Became a fashion icon.
April 3
Chased some rainbows.
May 4
Danced with tears in my eyes.
May 19
Gave 30 tattoos.
June 1
Dyed my hair bleach. mf. blonde.
June 26
First professional work trip.
July 23
First day with no anxiety since October 4, 2018.
August 5
Good music. New best friends.
August 10
Ice cream & massive life decisions.
August 24
First taste of freedom.
September 7
Enjoying the company of my best friends. Just really, deeply enjoying it.
September 16
19.
September 25
Broke my finger at homesense.
October 24
Newest best friend for life.
October 31
The costume that offended too many people. Lol.
November 15
More good music. More good friends. And a good vlog to top.
December 10
I did it.
Looking back on this year makes me cry for some reason.
I am so goddamn proud of myself. I started living for me and look what happened? My entire life took a 180.
I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to be gentler with the people I met. I wanted to practice patience. I wanted to go with the flow. I wanted to meet new people. I wanted to be more understanding. I did it.
I’m sorry to swear here, but I fucking did that.
And 2020 is gonna be more. than. beautiful.
To the Haleigh who reads this after Christmas in December 2020, I have a few things I hope you accomplished.
I hope you learned to love yourself inside & out. In every sense of the phrase. I hope you understand that the things you don’t like about yourself are the same things that make you interesting. I hope you learned that people are mostly nice, and if you found that they weren’t, I hope you learned to walk away.
I hope you found love. At least a little bit of it. I hope it didn’t make you wonder if it was real or not. I hope you’re okay if it didn’t work out.
I hope you made amends with the people who didn’t know they hurt your feelings. And also the ones who did. I hope you learned how to forgive even if there was no apology.
I hope you can trust people.
I hope you ate yummy food. And strived to be healthier.
I hope you were happy.
This year I’m thankful for lovers, and family, and heartbreaks, and endings, and beginnings, and music, and dresses, and shopping, and crying, and dancing, and girls nights, and every other thing in between. From the bottom of my heart.
2019, you changed my life. Or maybe I changed it myself. Either way, I don’t have time now to wonder why or how all of this had to happen.
For now, I’ll focus on where I’m headed.
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