On the day I found out my dad had a year to live, I was standing at work, typing away stupidly about something I can’t remember now. And in an instant, I was catapulted into a terrible grief I knew nothing about. Like a dark room I’d never entered, feeling my way around. Gemma called my boss, my colleagues, and my best friends. Ordering one to give me time off, to get coffee, and to buy moving boxes. In the apartment, I couldn’t even remember my own name. Gemma found my passport, called my sister and arranged a pick up, and booked my flight for the next morning. Early but not too early, because she said I needed sleep. How do I even begin to pack right now? Gemma told everyone what to do. She put on my favourite songs, Taylor Swift, whom she didn’t particularly care for, and made the executive decision to toss my near-empty shampoo bottles. We walked through a handful of outfits I’d need - certainly comfy ones - as Gemma proposed. And when I’d come back to collect my t...
I haven’t been very honest with you guys.
I think on social media I have been giving people the impression that I might be someone that I certainly am not.
Hey, it’s ya girl, I wanna use this post as sort of a cross between a self-inflicted intervention/ group hug/Ted Talk. If you’re not ready for at least a little bit of cringe, click off now darlin.
I have been really focused (and frankly, quite proud) of the small victories that I’ve had lately. Like I didn’t cry when I broke my finger, and I made myself dinner even though I reeealllyy didn’t feel like it. I got a job!! So I mean, yeah, there has been a lot of little things that have been going sooo well for me.
But I’ve been keeping secrets, and I think it’s against my personal code of conduct to lie on this blog because this is how I connect with you guys. <<<3333
I’m gonna keep it real with you. Life has been kicking. My. Ass. Not even in big ways either, so it’s kind of hard to pinpoint what’s really going on. But it’s been kind of like a ghost just sort of — like — following me.
Like I’ll be driving, and suddenly I get this urge to scream or something. Or I’ll get a rush of adrenaline while I’m sitting in class, for no reason, with no trigger, no warning. It follows me into the shower where I just stand under the water and just zone out. It follows me into bed where I toss and turn, and toss and turn, until I forget that I was even trying to sleep in the first place.
It makes me think twice about listening to a song because “it might hurt my feelings.” And it makes me not want to do some things that I did before the ghost, because I’m nervous that it’ll bring back some sort of familiar feeling that I’ll be left missing when it’s over.
There’s a lot going on other than the ghost. I’ve been trying to learn how to say goodbye — little to no success. I’ve been trying to learn how to trust people truly and without limits — little to no success. I’ve been trying to mesh together the me on Instagram and the me + ghost — little to no success.
I don’t feel like a failure, I just feel like a fraud. I’m a happy person. That is genuine, and so true. But it feels like I took my happy out of me and locked in a box somewhere for safe keeping and forgot where I put the key.
I know it’s there, I just can’t get to it, do you see what I’m saying?
And I have people message me, usually after writing these posts and tell me how I’ve inspired them, and made them think differently, made them feel less alone (and yes I cry about every last one of these messages because they are so beautiful) but I don’t want to give you guys the impression that I’m better off.
I don’t talk about lots of things. Like the ghost, or the box of my happiness, or people who have broken my heart, people who were mean. I don’t talk about health concerns or the 10 interviews I blew before I got my job. I don’t tell you about death, and grief, and jealousy, and bitterness. Pettiness, embarrassment, any of it. I should, but I don’t.
I don’t tell you guys about getting ghosted, or texting someone 10 times in a row, or panic attacks, or therapy sessions. I don’t talk about “anxiety-days” (I want to, one day) or spending my money irresponsibly. But I do all of this stuff. And then some, god only knows the other gazillion things I don’t talk about on here. And I won’t mention it all. My hope with this, though, is that I can begin to open up a little more so I can show people the more real side of Haleigh.
Basically what I’m trying to say here is I’m with you. I’m going through it too. This is not a cry for help or a pity party. It’s just to let you know that I care about being honest and raw, and I am just a person who is damn good at hiding it, but I’m struggling too.
I started this blog to comprehend my feelings and emotions at a time where I felt like I couldn’t grab hold of any of my thoughts. Over time, it’s helped me to gather my emotions and understand them (which is absolutely so amazing) and I think I just needed to get this off my chest so I can understand it too. And so you guys can understand me.
Right now, I feel it's important that I just share things as I learn them. You don't need to be wise to know how to deal with things. I just hope that as I go through life and have these big fat realizations that I can share them with you and hopefully be able to give you guys another perspective on things. And it appears that I already have...which is still so freaking crazy to me.
I still feel absolutely shocked that my words and my experiences ever related to so many people, and I feel more than blessed to have become sort of an outlet for people to relate to me. So guys, I promise the next one won’t be so deep, or sappy. But I just love you. That’s all I’m saying, and as much as you think I’m helping you, you’re helping me too.
Night angels. Xoxo
I think on social media I have been giving people the impression that I might be someone that I certainly am not.
Hey, it’s ya girl, I wanna use this post as sort of a cross between a self-inflicted intervention/ group hug/Ted Talk. If you’re not ready for at least a little bit of cringe, click off now darlin.
I have been really focused (and frankly, quite proud) of the small victories that I’ve had lately. Like I didn’t cry when I broke my finger, and I made myself dinner even though I reeealllyy didn’t feel like it. I got a job!! So I mean, yeah, there has been a lot of little things that have been going sooo well for me.
But I’ve been keeping secrets, and I think it’s against my personal code of conduct to lie on this blog because this is how I connect with you guys. <<<3333
I’m gonna keep it real with you. Life has been kicking. My. Ass. Not even in big ways either, so it’s kind of hard to pinpoint what’s really going on. But it’s been kind of like a ghost just sort of — like — following me.
Like I’ll be driving, and suddenly I get this urge to scream or something. Or I’ll get a rush of adrenaline while I’m sitting in class, for no reason, with no trigger, no warning. It follows me into the shower where I just stand under the water and just zone out. It follows me into bed where I toss and turn, and toss and turn, until I forget that I was even trying to sleep in the first place.
It makes me think twice about listening to a song because “it might hurt my feelings.” And it makes me not want to do some things that I did before the ghost, because I’m nervous that it’ll bring back some sort of familiar feeling that I’ll be left missing when it’s over.
There’s a lot going on other than the ghost. I’ve been trying to learn how to say goodbye — little to no success. I’ve been trying to learn how to trust people truly and without limits — little to no success. I’ve been trying to mesh together the me on Instagram and the me + ghost — little to no success.
I don’t feel like a failure, I just feel like a fraud. I’m a happy person. That is genuine, and so true. But it feels like I took my happy out of me and locked in a box somewhere for safe keeping and forgot where I put the key.
I know it’s there, I just can’t get to it, do you see what I’m saying?
And I have people message me, usually after writing these posts and tell me how I’ve inspired them, and made them think differently, made them feel less alone (and yes I cry about every last one of these messages because they are so beautiful) but I don’t want to give you guys the impression that I’m better off.
I don’t talk about lots of things. Like the ghost, or the box of my happiness, or people who have broken my heart, people who were mean. I don’t talk about health concerns or the 10 interviews I blew before I got my job. I don’t tell you about death, and grief, and jealousy, and bitterness. Pettiness, embarrassment, any of it. I should, but I don’t.
I don’t tell you guys about getting ghosted, or texting someone 10 times in a row, or panic attacks, or therapy sessions. I don’t talk about “anxiety-days” (I want to, one day) or spending my money irresponsibly. But I do all of this stuff. And then some, god only knows the other gazillion things I don’t talk about on here. And I won’t mention it all. My hope with this, though, is that I can begin to open up a little more so I can show people the more real side of Haleigh.
Basically what I’m trying to say here is I’m with you. I’m going through it too. This is not a cry for help or a pity party. It’s just to let you know that I care about being honest and raw, and I am just a person who is damn good at hiding it, but I’m struggling too.
I started this blog to comprehend my feelings and emotions at a time where I felt like I couldn’t grab hold of any of my thoughts. Over time, it’s helped me to gather my emotions and understand them (which is absolutely so amazing) and I think I just needed to get this off my chest so I can understand it too. And so you guys can understand me.
Right now, I feel it's important that I just share things as I learn them. You don't need to be wise to know how to deal with things. I just hope that as I go through life and have these big fat realizations that I can share them with you and hopefully be able to give you guys another perspective on things. And it appears that I already have...which is still so freaking crazy to me.
I still feel absolutely shocked that my words and my experiences ever related to so many people, and I feel more than blessed to have become sort of an outlet for people to relate to me. So guys, I promise the next one won’t be so deep, or sappy. But I just love you. That’s all I’m saying, and as much as you think I’m helping you, you’re helping me too.
Night angels. Xoxo
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