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Showing posts from March, 2020

Gemma

On the day I found out my dad had a year to live, I was standing at work, typing away stupidly about something I can’t remember now. And in an instant, I was catapulted into a terrible grief I knew nothing about. Like a dark room I’d never entered, feeling my way around.  Gemma called my boss, my colleagues, and my best friends. Ordering one to give me time off, to get coffee, and to buy moving boxes.  In the apartment, I couldn’t even remember my own name. Gemma found my passport, called my sister and arranged a pick up, and booked my flight for the next morning. Early but not too early, because she said I needed sleep. How do I even begin to pack right now? Gemma told everyone what to do. She put on my favourite songs, Taylor Swift, whom she didn’t particularly care for, and made the executive decision to toss my near-empty shampoo bottles.  We walked through a handful of outfits I’d need - certainly comfy ones - as Gemma proposed. And when I’d come back to collect my t...

stay gold, ponyboy

nothing gold can stay nature's first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold. her early leaf's a flower; but only so an hour. then leaf subsides to leaf. so Eden sank to grief, so dawn goes down to day. nothing gold can stay Do you think it's possible that Robert Frost wrote this specifically for me at age 20? If any of you ever read The Outsiders in high school, then you would obviously remember the famous line, "stay gold, Ponyboy." I won't spoil the context for you, but if you need something to read I highly recommend. Anyways, they were of course, referencing 'Nothing Gold Can Stay.' It was Johnny's way of telling Ponyboy to stay young, innocent, gold. Okay, with the 11th grade English lesson over with, let me tell you why I really wanted to talk about this.  I've written a lot about letting go. Letting go of people that hurt you, things that felt heavy, grudges, and bad days. But for some reason, this one po...

I can't take my own advice

“IT TAKES EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO CALL YOU, AND I WISH I COULD RUN TO YOU, AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT EVERY TIME I DON’T, I ALMOST DO.” I want to call the hell out of you. I wanna scream those lyrics at the top of my lungs. I wanna punch my pillow. And cry. And be able to take my goddamn exams without checking my phone for your stupid name every three seconds. I want to scroll through Pinterest without crying at the next “excerpt from a book I’ll never write.” I wanna read our texts again, for the ninth time today. I wanna look at my pictures with you.  God dammit. Damn all of this. I wish I could take all of this and just crumple it up into a ball and Kobe throw it into the trash. I hate needing you like this. Some days, I am totally, one hundred percent hunky dory, good-as-can-be, myself. Other days, I’m consumed — no — being swallowed whole by this whole “change” thing. It’s sucks okay?? Did anybody ever tell you that? "How did we get here And how do we get bac...

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